Prewriting skills: Essay structure
In the previous section, we looked at the option of writing a short About section with bullets to make the key information stand out. However, the About section can be up to 2000 characters and can give you the opportunity to express your unique personality and story. In this sense, you can imagine the About section as an essay with 3 clear parts:
Introduction: a brief paragraph of 1 or 2 sentences that aims to grab the attention of the reader
Main Message: highlights of your experiences, skills, personality traits, education and training – these are your values and potential contributions to the company
Conclusion: a brief summary statement and a call to action (CTA).
In the following basic example, we can see that the introduction starts with an impactful brief description of what Lamar does: protecting the patient information from hackers and cyberattacks (Revised from [1]). The main message gives details of his job and its importance. He also mentions that he and his team stay updated on the latest trends in cyber security, which shows his professional attitude. Finally, he concludes with a strong comment on the continuous importance of his IT job.
Example. A 3-part About section
INTRODUCTION MAIN MESSAGE CONCLUSION | Every day, I protect sensitive patient information from hackers and cyberattacks. As an information security analyst at a hospital, I manage the day-to-day flow of information. My work focuses on database management. I need to make sure that critical computer systems remain active and never fail. My team and I stay updated on the latest trends in information security to keep the Acme Hospital System not only safe but also on the cutting edge. A hospital never sleeps, and the same goes for IT. |
Now Let’s Look at Pedro Hernandez’s About section. He has used the above three-part structure to tell his story. He has also added a CTA at the end.
Read the 5 sentences and separate them into 4 paragraphs: Introduction, Main Message, Conclusion, Call to Action (CTA).
Pedro Hernandez: About (705 characters)
| 1. I excel at researching, summarizing, and synthesizing information. I love to takeon challenges in becoming an online marketer. 2. As an intern in Kintaro Cells Power in Tokyo, Japan, I operated and managed its SNS daily to provide company news by summarizing reports and making video clips. 3. I was also an intern at Manly Consultancy in Hong Kong, where I conducted market research and synthesized market information to understand the market trend for each day. 4. Through these internships and my recent training at the International Tech and Trade Institute in Barcelona, I have a solid base in the practice and theory of basic marketing and market research. I am ready and looking forward to taking on more challenges as an online marketer. 5. If any of the above sounds interesting, please send an invitation to connect. I’d love to hear from you. |
You hopefully saw that
- Sentence 1 was the Introduction, which outlined the key qualities Pedro wanted to emphasize related to research and his goal of becoming an online marketer.
- Sentences 2-3 were the Main Message that gave examples and details of his internship experience to support these key qualities.
- Finally, Sentence 4 offers a Conclusion based on his internship experiences, and Sentence 5 is the CTA.
Breaking the sentences up into smaller paragraphs with white space between them will make it a lot easier – and faster – to read. Let’s compare Pedro’s 2 versions:
Revision example 1. Before → After. Avoid long, difficult to read paragraphs
| Version 1. 1 paragraph I excel at researching, summarizing, and synthesizing information. I love to take on challenges in becoming an online marketer. As an intern in Kintaro Cells Power in Tokyo, Japan, I operated and managed its SNS daily to provide company news by summarizing reports and making video clips. I was also an intern at Manly Consultancy in Hong Kong. At Manly Consultancy, I conducted market research and synthesized market information to understand the market trends for each day. Through these internships and my recent training at the International Tech and Trade Institute in Barcelona, I have a solid base in the practice and theory of basic marketing and market research. I am ready and looking forward to taking on more challenges as an online marketer. If any of the above sounds interesting, please send an invitation to connect. I’d love to hear from you. |
| Version 2. 4 paragraphs I excel at researching, summarizing, and synthesizing information. I love to take on challenges in becoming an online marketer. As an intern in Kintaro Cells Power in Tokyo, Japan, I operated and managed its SNS daily to provide company news by summarizing reports and making video clips. I was also an intern at Manly Consultancy in Hong Kong, where I conducted market research and synthesized market information to understand the market trends for each day. Through these internships and my recent training at the International Tech and Trade Institute in Barcelona, I have a solid base in the practice and theory of basic marketing and market research. I am ready and looking forward to taking on more challenges as an online marketer. If any of the above sounds interesting, please send an invitation to connect. I’d love to hear from you. |
Now it’s your turn. What are your key qualities that you want to show, and what experiences can you use to support them?
Practice 1. Write some notes for your Introduction, Main Message and Conclusion
| INTRODUCTION MAIN MESSAGE CONCLUSION |
Now, the above IT worker’s About section is a good start, but it can be improved. Let’s add some more details to make the About Section stand out.
Let’s take a look at Revision example 6, with the original and revised versions with revision notes in the middle column (modified from [6]). The revised version is improved in a number of ways:
- It adds more details and specific numbers to make the duties and achievements more real, concrete and persuasive
- It improves readability with shorter paragraphs
- Its extended conclusion adds a comment about his passion and pride for his work
- It includes a call to action at the end to show he is approachable and wants to connect with people.
Revision example 2. Before → After. Make paragraphs short and add details and numbers.
| Original (495 characters) [INTRODUCTION]Every day, I protect sensitive patient information from hackers and cyberattacks. [MAIN MESSAGE]As an information security analyst at a hospital, I manage the day-to-day flow of information. My work focuses on database management. I need to make sure that critical computer systems remain active and never fail. My team and I stay updated on the latest trends in information security to keep the Acme Hospital System not only safe but also on the cutting edge. [CONCLUSION]A hospital never sleeps, and the same goes for IT. |
In the revision, we can make shorter and easier-to-read paragraphs. More details about job duties and numbers related to his workplace and duties make his job and responsibilities sound more concrete. Finally, the revision adds a catchy and passionate summary and conclusion, and ends with a polite CTA.
| Revised (944 characters) [INTRODUCTION]Every day, I protect sensitive information on thousands of people from hackers and cyberattacks. [MAIN MESSAGE]As an information security analyst at Acme Hospital System in Sacramento, I manage the day-to-day flow of information into and out of five hospitals and two emergency centers. My work focuses on database management, which means that my job ensures critical computer systems, medical files, and patient history remain active and never fail. My team and I stay updated on the latest trends in information security to not only keep Acme Hospital System safe but also on the cutting edge. [CONCLUSION]A hospital never sleeps, and the same goes for IT. If everything runs smoothly and nothing suffers a glitch, then I take pride in knowing I did my job.[CTA] If any of the above sounds interesting and you think I could make a contribution to your organization, please send me an invitation to connect. I’d love to hear from you. |
Let’s Look at Cyn Liu’s About section. She has used the above three part structure to tell her story and also added a CTA at the end. She also added bullets and parallelism to make it easier to read.
Cyn Liu: About (1398 characters)
[INTRODUCTION]Living in the United States shaped me to become an independent, passionate, and caring person. My internships also helped me to be a better multitasker and communicator. [MAIN MESSAGE]My internship at Silks Place Taroko as a Marketing PR taught me to learn how to promote events, organize files, and support the marketing team in daily tasks. As a concierge at the Regent Taipei, I became an effective multitasker who assisted several customers at the same time and learned to find the most efficient way to meet their needs. As a Student Ambassador in high school, I was a student role model and school representative at social events and for community services. I learned how to communicate with people from different backgrounds and how to appreciate cultural differences and respect others. Arriving in the US alone when I was 14 years old, I quickly became independent and learned to do everything on my own. From this, I learned to not only be independent but also be caring because I understand that helping people when they need it can make a huge difference to their lives. [CONCLUSION]From my internships and positions in the past, I know that attitude is everything. I always do my best to accomplish tasks given to me, and I know that perseverance and not giving up is the key to success. [CTA]Please send me an invitation to connect if you think my experiences sound interesting to you. Thank you for checking out my profile. |
Details of specific experiences and achievements are important for making your About section stand out and be memorable. In the revised example above is much more impactful with the added details and numbers about the IT technician’s job and responsibilities, such as
- thousands of people
- five hospitals and two emergency centers
- medical files, and patient history.
A useful grammar to add details and make the writing smoother is relative clauses. Compare the following sentences and notice that relative clauses reduce unnecessary repetition and increase reading speed.
Revision example 3. Before → After. Avoid unnecessary repetition
| Original. With unnecessary repetition → Revised. With relative clauses 1. I was also an intern at Manly Consultancy in Hong Kong. At Manly Consultancy, I conducted market research and synthesized market information to understand the market trends for each day. → I was also an intern at Manly Consultancy in Hong Kong, where I conducted market research and synthesized market information to understand the market trends for each day. 2. My work focuses on database management. Database management means that my job ensures critical computer systems, medical files, and patient history remain active and never fail. → My work focuses on database management, which means that my job ensures critical computer systems, medical files, and patient history remain active and never fail. 3. I became an effective multitasker. As a multitasker, I assisted several customers at the same time and learned to find the most efficient way to meet their needs. → I became an effective multitasker who assisted several customers at the same time and learned to find the most efficient way to meet their needs. |
Grammar box: Relative clauses to add information. WHO, THAT, WHICH, WHERE relative clauses
| Relative pronoun | Examples | Notes |
Who/that Who (or that) – identifies and gives more information about the person we are talking about. | She is the kind of manager who/that all employees respect. | Only use it if it is necessary. If the added information is an adjective or a phrase, we don’t need a relative clause: EX1: the tall girl not: the girl who is tall Ex2: the man with gray hair not: the man who has gray hair Ex3: the KFC on Roosevelt Road not: the KFC that is on Roosevelt Road |
| That That – gives necessary information (to complete the meaning of the sentence) about the thing we are talking about. | Matrix 4 is the movie that everybody is talking about. | |
| Which Which is used to add information (not necessary to complete the meaning of the sentence) about the thing we are talking about. | Matrix 4, which stars Keanu Reeves, broke box office records on its opening day in the US. | |
| Where Where – gives more information about a place. [“which” can also be used as long as there is also a preposition, ex “in which”, behind which”, etc.] | Montreal is the city where I grew up. [also: Montreal is the city in which I grew up.] | You need a S+V after “where” If you use “which”, then you need preposition to say where, Ex “in which”, “above which”, etc |
The final example is an impressive model of Headline and About sections. Yian will surely attract attention with this creative and memorable description that highlights 1. her artistic and marketing experiences, and 2. effective language use with shorter paragraphs, parallelism and bullets.
Revision Example 4. Before → After. Make it easy to read and use parallelism
| Original | Revised |
| Headline Digital Marketer | Business Development Specialist | Dancer | Choreographer About (1166 character or less)I create to communicate and to connect. As a Digital Marketer, I manage Facebook Pages to build and foster communities in various industries. I write scripts and direct videos not only to document events and share stories, but also reach beyond borders and provide a platform for engagement. As a Business Development Specialist, I facilitate partnerships between companies. I exceed customers’ needs and wants. I take pride in developing new prospects and maintaining long-lasting relationships between parties. As a Dancer, I am an interrupter and a story-teller to the choreographer’s vision. I am a messenger to the audience. As a Choreographer, I am an architect who visualizes possibilities, experiments, and longs for making them realities. My experience in Arts, Business, and Technology have taught me the following about myself: I am an explorer, a developer, and a creator. I can successfully identify opportunities, nurture relationships, and tell stories. I am constantly learning with curiosity and understanding with empathy. I focus on sharing ideas and making evergreen partnerships. I enjoy meeting new people and immersing myself in new perspectives. Lets connect! | Headline Aspiring Business Development Specialist | Striving to elevate our society with Arts and Technology | Digital Marketer | Dancer | Choreographer [143 chars] About [1435 chars] [INTRODUCTION] • I am a creator to communicate and connect. • I am an explorer with curiosity and a mediator with empathy. • I am an Artist, turned Sales Professional, and becoming a Business Development Specialist. [MAIN MESSAGE] I have coordinated a number of collaborations between different disciplines. I believe my thoughtfulness and goal-oriented mentality can • Develop new prospects • Build relationships with potential clients• Exceed customer • Maintain evergreen partnerships. As a Digital Marketer, I am a Facebook Page manager who builds and fosters communities. I write scripts and direct videos not only to document events and share stories, but also to reach beyond borders to create a platform for engagement. As a Dancer, I am a story-teller who interprets to the choreographer’s vision and acts as a messenger to the audience. As a Choreographer, I am an architect who visualises possibilities, experiments with them, and longs to make them real. [CONCLUSION] My experiences in Arts, Sales and Marketing, and Technology have taught me the following about myself: • I can successfully identify opportunities, nurture relationships, and tell stories with analytical skills, technological tools, and creative outlets. • I enjoy meeting new people, immersing myself in diverse perspectives, and valuing differences. • I thrive on sharing ideas, finding common goals, and building exciting ventures with others. [CTA]Lets connect! |
References
[1] Danny Rubin https://www.topresume.com/career-advice/how-to-write-a-powerful-linkedin-profile-summary
